78.  That’s a rough estimate of the number of active current passwords in my life. I’m sure there are more.  This number just represents the passwords saved in my SSHP (Super Secret Hidey Place), not to be confused with the additional codes that are saved in my OSSHPW (Other Super Secret Hidey Place for Work).  Honestly, neither hidey place is extremely secure.  As a matter of fact, when our IT guy at work got a glimpse of where/how I save some of my work-related codes, he shook his head sadly and walked away.  But if I put them in a highly secure, difficult to access location, then my digital life would be even more difficult than it already is.

I get that passwords and security measures are necessary in this crazy world filled with evil gremlins who want to steal our identity or at least clean out our bank accounts.  I envision them as these dirty scummy low-life mole-humans who hang out in dark basements with too much time on their hands constantly at their computers, dreaming up the next scheme that will make them rich.  I know in reality most are likely far more sophisticated and probably not even in my same country.  But my mental image helps me hate them almost more than I hate passwords.

It has come to the point where there really isn’t much we can do that does not require some sort of digital secret handshake. Thankfully we can still go for walks, read a book and cook dinner without trying to commit a random collection of letters and numbers to memory. Well, that is unless you want to look up a recipe on your favorite cooking site, or get the latest coupons for your grocery shopping trip.  There is no way any of us can possibly remember all of our passwords – especially as we are told that all of our passwords should not be easy to remember, nor similar to each other. So using Password123 is not a great idea. The complexity of these codes can make both their creation and recollection infuriating.

The attractive lure of available content and great deals is dangled before us like a friendly robot carrot: Set up an account, you’ll get access to great information, or sales, or only-for-you specials, it’s easy!  Just make sure that your password is 8-12 characters, uses upper and lower case letters, at least 3 numbers that don’t use 0 or reflect your birthdate, includes at least one special character but not two, requires you to stand on one foot and jump up and down and should in no way be similar to one you’ve already used – even though you will be prompted every 6 months to change the same password.  Oh, we’re sorry, that one has already been used by someone else.  Try again. And again. And again.  Ahhhhh, there you go!  Now try to remember it for next time.

Oh, forgot your password?  No worries, give us your email address and the answer to 5 security questions (try to remember if you used the full name of your childhood pet or the nickname, because if you answer the security questions wrong 3 times, we’ll lock you out.).  Ok, great, now wait for us to send you an email to reset your password.  Again.

Bravo, you’ve used the right password!  But wait – we’ve set up 2-step authentication to make your account extra secure (because EVERYONE wants to log on and pretend to be you), so make sure you’ve got your phone handy to plug in the code number we just texted to you. Don’t dawdle, the code number is only good for 36.5 seconds, then we’ll (sigh) have to send you another, you stupid human.

GAH.  I hate it.  Yes, I know, we need to be safe.  As if my personal information is not already out there on the WorldWideWeb for anyone to Google and find. Surely, none of us wants anyone to steal our debit card and start willy-nilly spending our life savings. Which, by the way happens far too often. Ready?  Raise your hand if you’ve had to cancel a debit or credit card and get it replaced.  Yup, pretty much all of us.  More than once. Sadly yet conveniently it has become really easy to report a stolen card and order a new one – all of the credit and bank companies have staff ready for your call because it happens so frequently. But it is still a pain in the butt and anxiety inducing. (Again, damn evil basement gremlins).  

But really, I’m not Fort Knox. Outside of the really important things, I do find it hard to believe that anyone really, really wants to know my CVS Photo Orders password, or have access to where I log in to reserve a parking spot when traveling.  Trying to sneak on to my Starbucks account to order yourself a latte?  Need to steal my login for Orbitz because you can’t look up your own flight options?  Well, sorry, because I’ve come up with a password so complicated that I don’t even remember it.  Unless I’ve saved it to auto-fill.

Have any of you ever run your Google report of saved passwords?  Wowzah, is that interesting. I had passwords saved for things I haven’t used in years or don’t even remember what they were. Let’s say there was a lot of deleting. Because hey, it would be awful to have someone find their way into my PacificCoast account and order themselves a pillow. 

I’ve reached the point where if it is too difficult or annoying, I just don’t bother.  Great example, I recently received a new Talbots store card in the mail, with their form letter saying “here’s your new card you requested.”  Great, I didn’t request one.  I don’t shop there often so the card I already had was rarely used, but ok, thanks.  (And yes, I verified it really was Talbots, not a scam.)  Today I hopped online to activate the card, because you know, that’s a thing.  You can’t just start using your own card.  Luckily the process was fairly easy and painless because they only needed the card number and the last 4 digits of my SS #.  (Remember what I said about our information is already out there and attainable?  Don’t think about it too much, you won’t be able to sleep tonight). 

After I activated the card that I probably won’t use for a year or so until they feel the need to reach out and ask me if I’ve lost it, up popped a message asking if I want to set up an online account to check balances and pay my bill. If I opt to continue to receive paper bills, they may start charging $2 for each paper bill.  Well, yikes, that seems excessive, and I’m all for saving the earth, so sure, let’s set it up.  Tap tap tap, fill in my info, set up ANOTHER PASSWORD….then try AGAIN because I forgot to include a special character, and fine, all good. Hit enter.  We’re sorry, but your information you entered doesn’t match the information we have for your account.  Classic.  Ya know what?  I’ll spend the extra $2 on paper bills until I have the patience to try this again.  Which may be never.

At least I avoided having to add a 79^th code into my SSHP.