Shortly before one of our last winter storms, I had to venture out to the grocery store.  Not with any storm-stock-up milk-and-bread urgency, but simply due to bad timing, we needed food.  I knew full well that it would be crowded with the milk-and-bread people (because Lord knows no one can afford eggs these days), but I took a deep breath and plunged in.  The shopping itself was not that bad. Everyone else seemed to be focused as I was on just gettin’ ‘er done.  Inventory was ok, and anything on my list I didn’t find was nothing we couldn’t live without.

I moved my way up to the check-out area, and sure enough, only 3 aisles open with human cashiers, and long slow lines at each one. I waited for a couple of minutes and kept looking over at the self-check-out area, where there had to have been at least 8 available kiosks.  I rarely ever choose that option unless I have just a handful of items – which is not frequent, as I generally put off visiting the grocery store until I have full-cart level needs.  My inner dialog went something like this:  “Ok, I can either wait in one of these lines, or I can be brave and go over there. Sure, I’ve got quite a few things, but hey, I’m an accomplished, intelligent woman, I can manage it. Should I?  I hate the self checkout. Oh, come on, just give it a go.”

I got a couple of my bags set up in the receiving area, scanned my store card and was off and running. Or so I thought.  I made the mistake of first scanning a small impulse-buy snack bag of nuts that I planned to munch on in the car.  Scanned it, went to put it in my purse.  WRONG.  The robot informed me I MUST deposit the item in the bagging area.  With the slightly robotic, condescending tone that subliminally asked “what are you, some kind of thief?”   So I put the tiny bag of nuts in the bag, then as I scanned the next item, I tried to remove the snack so it would not be lost in the bottom of the bag where I could not find it for the drive home. WRONG.  Robot eyes see everything.  “Please wait, help is on the way.”   I swear it sighed at me.

After a minute or two, one of the workers who is apparently hired to hang out and help us useless self-check outers rather than open another human check out aisle to help move things faster, came over and waved her magic wand so I could keep going. In the process of me attempting to continue to checkout, I got robot- “Please wait, help is on the way”- scolded no less than 4 times.  Each time it took longer and longer for her to come back, because, well, the store was busy, have I mentioned that?  After the 3^rd robot-halt, a very loud groan escaped my lips that caused others to turn and look. It was frustrating and annoying, and I’m sure the HIOTWW (Help Is On The Way Worker) couldn’t wait for me to get out of there either.  

Here are some things I learned:  Do not pause to move your bags aside to make room for more bags.  I don’t know what else you are supposed to do, but not that.  Do not try to scan quickly.  Scan, place item in bag, carefully and with conviction.  Even better if you can smile nicely for the security camera watching your every move.  Do NOT scan, hold the item in one hand then scan the next thing to make the process faster. Doing so makes the system assume you are, again, a thief.  Do not take too long bagging your items. The robot does not care that you don’t want your canned goods in the same bag as your bread. If you dawdle too long, it assumes you are either done or have run away and must be stopped.  Do not go out of order when attempting to weigh your produce. By the way, SOME produce is automatically recognized. Other produce is a robot-mystery and if you don’t push the correct identification button…well… Please wait, help is on the way.  Do not go out of robot order when attempting to pay for your groceries which are now haphazardly piled up in the bagging area.  Follow directions after it has loudly announced how much money you have spent.  No discount for doing your own check-out and bagging work.

In the end, I saved zero time (actually spent much more time pacing around waiting for the HIOTWW), I was irritated and sweaty, and no, I had no idea where that first snack bag ended up.

I realize this is all a first-world problem.  I should be appreciative and thankful that I am able to go buy groceries.  I also get that in today’s world, and scary economy, theft is frequent. Desperate times lead people to take desperate measures.  It’s the same reason that random items like face lotion are now behind locked compartments at the drug store, requiring buyers to request CVS’s version of the HIOTWW to unlock your items.

But I am still left to ponder a few things. Wouldn’t it be more efficient to hire more human cashiers so more than one or two live aisles are open and available?  I mean, there seem to be several HIOTWW’s whose skills could be put to better use.  If we must continue to have more and more self-checkouts instead, then with the advancements of AI, could we maybe sign in with an ID that indicates we are middle-aged moms who just want to get stuff and get home and are not on the suspicious and sketchy store list? 

I have TSA pre-check that allows me to get through airport security swiftly and easily.  But try to buy my own snack bag at the store?  Clearly I’m not trustworthy enough.  Please send help.