I know you are reviewing your list, and checking it twice. We Real Women have tried to not only be good all year, but to be amazing superwomen. For the most part we have succeeded, especially where it really matters. But in the interest of full disclosure, I thought it best to confess to a few things we all do that could potentially land us on the bad list – and ask for your leniency.
- We sometimes feed our families grilled cheese, hot dogs, or cereal for dinner. Yes, it’s true. We aren’t all Martha Stewart or June Cleaver. We know that processed food and sugar are unhealthy. It’s just that after a long day, sometimes that’s all we can manage. At least they are eating something, right?
- We cut our own bangs. We know our hair stylists will sigh with dismay. But we do it anyway. Really, it is hard enough to find time to get a color and cut done, who has time to stop in for a trim when there’s a perfectly good set of kitchen shears and a mirror at home?
- We round numbers to work to our advantage. We round down for our weight, our age, and how much money we spent shopping. But we round up when we are talking about the amount of time we spend exercising or how hard we’ve worked.
- We wear mismatched socks and underwear. Honestly, Santa, some days you should be impressed we are clothed at all. You try to get out of the house in one piece and on time every day, looking stylish and together… after all, you only have to worry about one day a year, and you already know what you’ll be wearing.
- We sing loudly and badly in our cars. This one really doesn’t hurt anyone else, as long as the windows are rolled up and we are alone. Let us have our own private American Idol moments.
- We know how to effectively swear like a truck driver. And do. Generally this is done when alone, and only under dire circumstances, like when other drivers get in our way when we are running late, or when we burn our hands on the stove. At least we curse with purpose.
- We spoil our children. Sure, we may act all strict and show our parenting skills and tough love, but in reality, we spoil them rotten and love every minute of it. You can’t give us a bad grade on this one – after all, we learned from the best: you.
- We binge-watch Hallmark movies. Especially the horribly predictable, badly acted, completely unrealistic holiday flicks. We can’t help ourselves.
- We kiss our pets. Germy, dirty, smelly, we don’t care. Our pets are our children. They get smooches. Those without pets find this gross. Those with pets don’t understand why I’d even mention this. I’m sure Mrs. Claus sends the reindeer off with a treat and a kiss too.
- And lastly, our confession that I know you can identify with: we eat dessert. We may say that we don’t. We may say “no thank you” when offered. But the reality is that we secretly love our sweet treats. After all, life is short, and we believe that we need a little reward from time to time. Then, invariably, we will regret our decisions and feel like bloated whales. Who do you think it was who came up with the idea to leave you cookies on Christmas Eve? Yup. Real Women. Because misery loves company.
And so, dear Santa, I ask for your understanding and compassion. We’ll never say we are perfect, but we try. If you can find it in your jolly ol’ heart to look past our transgressions and can bring us something special for Christmas, here are a few things at the top of our lists: a full night’s sleep, a wrinkle cream that really works, a sink free of dirty dishes, and a winning lottery ticket.
If you are a good Santa, I’ll leave you some of the best cookies…. You know, the ones we hide away from the rest of the family.