I have decided to blame the weather.

Why not?  Many of us are already pretty cranky about the fact that the arrival of spring has apparently been postponed.  So I may as well hop on the bandwagon and blame the grey, cold, blustery weather for the current state of my body.  Certainly it must be the fault of winter hibernation that I’ve put on a few extra pounds and a few parts have sagged.  It has to be the sun’s blunder for not sticking around to raise the temperature long enough to melt away my pudge to reveal my hidden svelte self.

Laying the blame on the weather is far easier and, in my cold numb brain, more logical than looking at other possible reasons.  For sure my current shape couldn’t be because of my lower level of exercise and boredom with my basement workouts.  It couldn’t be because of my intake of comfort food – like my diet today that included quesadillas and chocolate cake.  It can’t have anything to do with my increased age and decreased metabolism.  Nor could it be blamed on the ability to hide under oversized sweatshirts, long sweaters or bulky fleece.

Just like magic, I’m sure when the warmer weather arrives, I will go through some sort of Cinderella-like transformation.  Well, ok…maybe it won’t be THAT easy.  I first have to survive SSS, or Seasonal Shock Syndrome.  This happens that first time a Real Woman tries on a summer outfit, either at home — or worse — in the garishly unforgiving light of a retail dressing room.   For those of us who are of light complexion, seeing the pasty pale glow of our skin after it has been undercover and away from daylight is pretty horrifying.  Then we are forced to stop imagining our perfect bodies and actually look at reality and size up the hiber-pudge situation.

Over the age of 40, hiber-pudge can show up in odd places that were never before an issue.  Of course, there is belly-bulk, or muffin-top, whichever you’d rather call it….however you slice it, it means the end of a flat stomach.  But then there is the extra layer that causes your would-be-Michelle-Obama-arms to look…..well, to look like my grade school teacher’s arms that did the flappa-flappa thing while she wrote on the chalk board.  And then – surprise – there is some kind of pooch that erupts somewhere between lower back and butt… what the HECK is that?!

Yes, Mother Nature can have a mean streak… to put us through long ugly winters only to have us emerge like some kind of pallid momma bears, on the hunt for our stronger, sleeker alter egos.   It is all winter’s fault, for sure.

Now what will be my excuse in June?