The Need for Future Fluff

Posted on December 27, 2023 by Real Women

‘Tis the season for…. the year in review.  Ugh.  It seems everywhere we turn during this last week of the year, we are getting a rehash of the 12 months we just lived through. Honestly, these things annoy me. Why do we have to go through it all again so soon?  Sure, if you want to give me a recap of what life was like in, say, 1910, 1965, or even 1982, that would be interesting.  But I’m not even done writing 2023 on my checks, and you want to tell me what I may have missed or forgotten?  

Let’s be truthful here, this past year was not a pretty one.  Wars, political ridiculousness, illness, inflation – I’m good, thanks, I don’t need a reminder.  Nor do I really want to be reminded of all of the famous people we lost.  We can choose to honor them in our own way if we are so inclined; I don’t need the black and white slide show with sad music that makes me feel as depressed and anxious as watching the latest Edie Falco abused animal ASPCA commercial spot.

Some of the recaps are just plain silly.  Today I received an email from Panera restaurant that quite literally was titled “Your 2023 year in review has arrived!” as if I was just dying to find out what my favorite food item was to order, and that avocado was my most common ingredient add-on.  Really, I wouldn’t have lost any sleep not knowing this. 

And trust us – we Real Women are keenly aware of what we’ve been through this year.  We remember every good thing like it is a sparkling diamond that kept us moving – the times with friends, a fun adventure, an unexpected gift or family visit, a few pounds lost, a professional commendation, weddings and babies … whatever the gems of the past few months have been, we store them in our Happy Thoughts brain and heart chambers.  They are what help us deal with all the other things that were far harder, yet are equally as seared into our memory banks, sore backs and levels of exhaustion.  Can you imagine if some perky broadcaster popped up and said “Hey, let’s take a look back at 12 months of your worries and frustrations, your debts, illnesses and poor choices” ?   We’d knock them out.    

That said, I do appreciate taking a break from regular news (see reference above to some of the key world topics of the past several months).  But I’d much rather look forward, not back.  This morning I caught a few minutes of the Today Show as I was getting ready to head out the door, and thankfully I had missed what I had assumed had been more endless reviews, and instead heard a bit about upcoming trends in such fluff topics as shopping and beauty.  Ok, that’s kind of fun.  One segment was about different ways to serve champagne and unique beverages to ring in the New Year.  Again, fun.  Nothing big and taxing and scary, and it was about looking ahead with some (minor and trivial) positivity.  I’m AOK with fluffy topics right now.  My brain and energy level can’t handle much more than that.  Wanna talk about the pantone color of ’24 (Peach Fuzz), new books we can’t wait to read (Lies and Weddings), bucket list vacations we hope to do (Northwest US), or BFF adventures (Comedy Clubs and Shopping trips)?  I’m all in.  Please, please, for a few days no politics, no world trauma, no evilness.  Bring on the Future Fluff.

All of these Year In Reviews should be much like the rearview mirror in our cars. We don’t stare out them continuously to see where we just were.  We glance back to see who may be coming up behind us, or we use them for reference so if we have to back up we don’t run anything over or hit anyone.  They just hang there in case we need some quick reassurance of what is behind us.  Much more important is the big huge windshield in front of us – so we can look out clearly to see where we are going, with all the twists, turns, and even the unknown of what we may encounter. The best we can hope is that most of those days are sunny and dry with beautiful views, our destinations include time with loved ones, and our favorite music is playing on the radio. 

Thank you for continuing to read this blog and staying in touch, I sincerely appreciate each of you.  May your New Year be happy, healthy and hopeful with plenty of comforting fluff.

Posted in 2023, achievements, celebrations, change, communication, Entertainment, events, family, Health, history, moods, New Year, real women, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What’s the Rush?

Posted on December 15, 2023 by Real Women

It’s taken me just about 5 decades of my life to accept the fact that no matter how hard I try, I will always be “down to the wire” in getting ready for Christmas. There are only a certain number of hours in a day, a finite amount of funds, and limited extra hands to make the vision I have in my head of Christmas come to life each year. I know the majority of you R.W’s out there feel the same.

It’s not like we don’t know when Christmas is going to happen. My husband and I still laugh over the time he said “it snuck up on me this year.”  As soon as the leftover Thanksgiving turkey is consumed, the race is on. And as the days on the calendar slip by, it seems pressure builds.  I read an article this morning that indicated that nearly 142 million U.S. consumers plan to shop on the last Saturday before Christmas.  Which is only 2 days before the big event. Guess it snuck up on them too.  I assume this means that millions of folks will be up late wrapping those gifts.  Let’s hope they don’t plan to ship anything – we are all receiving notifications from the hard-working folks at Fed Ex, UPS and USPS that the “last day to ship” is…. well…. today — to be sure to be delivered “on time”.

One of my RW BFFs and I had the opportunity recently to tour some historic 19th century homes all decked out for the holidays.  It was lovely, and of course caused us to have interesting conversations about what Christmas must have been like (especially for women) about 120 years ago.  Were things easier, simpler, and slower then?  Well, yes and no.  Celebrations were centered around religious observances, family togetherness and modest gift-giving.  Most common gifts were homemade, like baked goods, preserves and knitted scarves.  So that means that there were no hoards of people flocking to the malls on “Super Saturday” or trying to race around earlier in the month to get things purchased, wrapped and shipped.  But think about that.  Homemade gifts.  Those take time.  Lots of time. And sure, women in those days for the most part did not work outside of the home. But the home and family WAS their work.  They had no modern conveniences like we do now. Every chore, from meals to laundry to yardwork to animals, were all manual and slow.  So sure, let’s heap on making gifts to that To Do list.  I suppose with no tv or internet to waste time on, sitting in front of the fire at night and knitting sounds lovely – but think how exhausted that woman was.  Sound familiar?  

Décor was simpler too.  The one primary focal point was the Christmas tree, decked out in glass balls, tinsel, candy canes, and you guessed it – homemade accessories like paper or dried fruit or popcorn chains. In the early days, trees were lit with candles. So you could gather the family around the tree for a few hours on Christmas Eve to bask in the glow, praying the tree and home didn’t go up in flames.  I’m quite happy to have my plug-in timers in my house magically adding safe light, thank you very much. 

And the concept of a big holiday meal has been around for a very long time.  Imagine cooking that big meal with an oven and stove that were heated with wood and coal, and everything cleaned and polished by hand.  No microwave to reheat cooled green beans or a dishwasher to load up at the end of the night. And lord knows not everyone was wealthy with “downstairs staff” to take care of it all.  These days I kind of feel like I’m both the Mistress of the House AND the Downstairs Maid all rolled into one.

Did our grandmothers and great-grandmothers feel rushed this time of year?  Or did they plan well ahead, and what got done, got done.  Little Johnny only received one or two gifts, not ten.  There were no massive front yard displays to set up, no company secret santa gifts to purchase, no hurrying to UPS.  There were home parlor games and caroling, not big vacation trips or rushes to the mall to visit Santa.

My girlfriend and I agreed that if we could have a time-machine, we would have loved to have gone back briefly to that time and just sat quietly and watched.  Was great-grandma stressed?  Or was she just too focused on keeping the house warm and her family fed to worry about comparing her Christmas to anyone else’s?  Was she truly just happy having her family around her and putting popcorn strings on her tree?  Since religion played a big part of their celebrations, did they focus more on the full 12 days of Christmas so it didn’t really matter if something “wasn’t ready” by 6am on the 25th?   Certainly there would be knit scarves or blankets that didn’t get done until days later.

Somewhere along the way over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a bit of an ah-ha moment.  I don’t have small children in the house anymore, and the majority of family & friends to whom we send gifts are adults (or young adults).  So what does it matter if I’m not totally “ready” by the evening of the 24th?   Sure, I have some deadlines – like we are having some friends over next week so I’ll need to have the house clean and some food ready, we’ll be attending church on Christmas Eve, and I’d like to have some gifts wrapped and ready to open as my household lounges in our pjs on the 25th.    But if I’m late getting some cookies done and distributed, or gifts are delayed getting mailed out or I’m tardy getting cards sent, is anyone going to say “oh, man, this doesn’t mean anything since it arrived on the 28th” ?   If anything, I think extending the holiday is a nice plan.  Who doesn’t want a little boost after all the excitement has died down?

When I was young, my mom would shop throughout the year and hide gifts in a variety of places in the house.  Almost every year she would forget about a gift or two, and stumble upon it sometime after the new year.  She would triumphantly present it, saying “I forgot I got this for you!  Happy late Christmas!”  We would laugh and be delighted to get a little something extra.   I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking that might be a good tradition to embrace.   

I can’t guarantee that I won’t be among those 142 million others who are out and about on the 23rd; I’ll at the very least likely be at the grocery store.  I’m sure my husband will be out shopping because my theory is that at least 100M of those shoppers are men – but that’s a topic for another day.  In the meantime, I’m going to slow my roll and get done whatever can get done and still enjoy the lead up to the holiday.  I’ll be sure to spend a few nights sitting quietly by the tree, trying to channel the “simpler” days, thinking about my grandma and her mother.  There will be a few differences; the candle I light will be on a table, not in the tree, I’ll be in lounge wear, not a corset, I’ll be sipping cocoa that was heated up in the microwave, and I’ll be waiting for the last packages from Amazon to be dropped off at my doorstep.  

But otherwise it will be just like the old days.

Posted in ancestors, celebrations, Chores, Christmas, decor, family, history, Holiday preparations, Holidays, real women, Seasons, Traditions | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

HoliSmoosh

Posted on November 9, 2023 by Real Women

I remember as a young girl, autumn and winter holidays were unique and spread out with anticipation.  Halloween was a time to don our smelly plastic masks that made breathing and seeing a challenge but created instant face-sweat while mom wrestled to fit our winter coats under our costumes because the night air was suddenly getting chilly.  We visited the homes of people we knew and came back with a bounty of sweets – and the annual handmade popcorn balls from that one special family friend.

The next thing to look forward to was Thanksgiving, which was a whole month away. Some years we’d travel to grandma’s house, other years we’d be home, but it was an event full of tradition.  We watched the Macy’s day parade and got all excited to see Santa arrive at the end. We’d get sent outside to expend some energy before and after the big meal, and those with interest watched some football in another room (we weren’t a big sports family).  Other than seeing the big guy arrive outside Macy’s in NYC, there was no talk of Christmas. I don’t remember Black Friday being a big thing until I was older, although perhaps my mom snuck out to do some shopping for deals. There was of course no online ordering, so I know she picked things up throughout the year and squirreled them away – but there was no big “gotta be out by 6am” nonsense that Friday.

Besides my beloved tradition of an advent calendar and the candles in the advent wreath, Christmas prep didn’t really kick in until a couple weeks before 12/24.  Dad would take time off of work to help mom decorate the house (they went all-in in sprucing up our old classic New England colonial).  The Sears gift catalog would arrive and we’d flip through the pages making notes or fold down corners.  We’d talk to friends and schoolmates who were getting ready for their own traditions that arrived before or after ours, like Hanukkah, and were fascinated by their rituals.  (“You mean you get eight days of gifts?”)  

A few days before the big event, we’d all go and cut down a tree. Dad would set it up, and at some point we’d put some lights on it, but we didn’t decorate it until Christmas Eve.  It was tradition, and the sign that Christmas was starting. Mom of course had been busy with cookie baking, food prep, gift buying and wrapping, but it was all part of that December anticipation.  Then décor stayed up for the 12 days of Christmas.

Clearly these memories are based on a child’s-eye view, when time goes slower.  But each holiday was separate and unique, with downtime in between. Somewhere along the way over time, the days from early October through the end of the year have become one big smooshed up mess of HallowThanksMas.  

We’ve all witnessed Halloween and Christmas décor sharing retail shelf space in stores like Costco and Home Depot by mid-October.  Kohl’s was playing Christmas music before Halloween.  The “get your shopping done NOW” pressure kicks into high gear by the first week of November.  One of my BFFs reported seeing people taking down their Halloween lights and swapping to Christmas colors on November 1st.

I was in Home Goods this past weekend because I wanted to pick up a couple new Thanksgiving décor items for the dining table for the big meal.  I passed the shelves loaded with discount Halloween items – if I wanted to purchase a ceramic jack o’ lantern or skull, the low-cost options were plentiful.  I turned the corner and it looked like the store had vomited Christmas all over at least 5 aisles.  The merchandise was PACKED onto the shelves with virtually no organization.  I had visions of staff buried under boxes in the backroom, trying to get things out as fast as they came in.  As for Fall table coverings, sentiments about gratefulness, or even a cute turkey?  No such luck.  I eventually found just a couple of items crammed into an 8” space on one shelf.  It’s as if Thanksgiving was cancelled and we were just moving on to Christmas and Hanukkah.

We like to blame big evil Retail for the Holismoosh, “forcing us” to get into the spirit two months early, and making us feel already overwhelmed and behind before the leaves have even finished changing color… but is it really all their fault?   

There are other smoosh-factors at work here.  First is a difficult economy, making it mandatory for us to plan ahead, shop when and if we have the funds, and likely do some cutting back on the size of our gatherings to avoid having to go into more immense debt with every visit to the grocery store.  We are relying on those big “scary” retailers to serve up really good sales now – not in January.

The next smoosh-factor is our already busy lives. Let’s face it, the majority of holiday prep falls on the shoulders, brains, and emotions of us women.  Somehow in between work, child care, home management, elderly relative caretaking, and our own health maintenance, we feel the need to pull off memorable and lovely holidays.  We literally cannot wait until the last week before ANY holiday to prepare – we just don’t have the bandwidth.  Looking back, my mom was a busy woman but did not work outside the home.  Our gift expectations were more manageable than what they seem to have become in modern day.  Traditions were strictly adhered to, which cut out complaints and the heaping on of unexpected “gotta do’s.”   No one was trying to out-do anyone else.  There was no peer pressure of perfection, no incurred extra anxiety because someone else declared they were all done with their shopping by November 15th, or had their holiday cards ordered and addressed by Thanksgiving.  Holiday perfection has become sadly competitive.

Another big reason for HoliSmoosh?  We all are craving – no, NEED, bright spots and happiness in our lives.  The world is a very scary place now, with fear, war, political pressures, that economy I mentioned earlier, you name it – there’s a lot of sad darkness out there.  And speaking of darkness, most of the country for whatever unfathomable reason that most of us no longer understand, just pushed our clocks back so our days feel even shorter and dimmer.  So if any of us want to put a giant lit-up inflatable pumpkin in our yards by October 1st, then switch to strobing LED house lights and multi-colored trees by mid-November, why complain?  If we can add some brightness, something that makes us smile and forget the troubles around us for a bit – and maybe even reinforce that struggling feeling of community, then let’s have at it.  I know I’d much rather have a conversation about sparkling reindeer who have popped up several weeks early than have yet another tearful anguish-filled discussion about a mass shooting.

Yes, I miss those old days when life seemed to move a bit slower, each holiday held more individual meaning, and I didn’t have to worry that if I wait and go shopping later, there will be no good selections left in the stores.  But – I get it.  We have our reasons for HallowThanksMas Smoosh.

I really don’t want to waste my energy or time complaining about retail commercialism, holiday pressure or early birds. My requests and hopes are that we slow down enough to enjoy the holismoosh season and embrace the true meaning of each special day. Take the time on Thanksgiving to sit around and visit – don’t rush through a meal that someone in our lives (likely yourself or another a woman) spent 8 hours preparing.  Go for a walk together, breath fresh air, and be thankful we can.  Appreciate every light and sparkle someone has lit to share some brightness in our lives. Let’s not add even more pressure on each other – bravo if you are all done shopping; keep in mind many others don’t know how they’ll have the funds to shop at all, and consider making donations.

For those of us who celebrate Christmas, go ahead and start sparkling, but let’s keep in mind there’s a reason the local churches don’t add baby Jesus to the Manger Scene until Christmas Eve. Beware that some of us who start early get weary early and forget there are 12 more days of the holiday. Wouldn’t it be lovely to keep some peace and joy going longer, and truly embrace the fact the rush is over?

Remember, it is highly likely that it took those three kings at least 4 or 5 months to complete their journey as they traveled over ancient roads and mountain passes.  Sure, if they had been women, they would have planned better, wore sensible shoes, asked directions, got there sooner and brought casserole.  But they still would have stopped to appreciate the miracle before them.

One day at a time.

Posted in autumn, celebrations, Christmas, decor, events, family, friends, Holidays, love, meals, preparation, real women, Seasons, Thanksgiving, Traditions, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Don’t Have To Be My BFF. But..

Posted on October 23, 2023 by Real Women

Like many little girls, I wanted everyone to like me.  Not in the way of being queen of the pretty-and- popular-posse; if anything, I was anti-clique and substantially nerdy.  It was more like I just wanted everyone to get along, especially with me.  The “popular” kids and the “burn outs” kind of scared me, but all the “regular” kids in between, they were my people.  I avoided arguments, fights and gossip (so being on the debate team was not on my list of clubs to join.)   Put another way, I became Switzerland at an early age.

In college I did just enough partying to have some fun without getting into big trouble, and I made friends with a wide variety of people – punk rockers to music nerds to frat boys.  One weekend I went home with a roommate to meet her family, and she later told me her mother referred to me as a Pollyanna.  I was crushed and slightly humiliated – which in hindsight totally supported her claim.  Make a note to my late-teen self:  back it off a bit.

As I grew into adulthood I realized the importance of not trying to be everyone’s friend. Because really, who has time for that many friends?  But God Forbid I collect any enemies. That was inexcusable. As I moved into my various stages of careers, I embraced my skills of neutrality (did I mention I actually do have Swiss lineage?) and it did not take long for coworkers and associates to know I was a safe-zone and kept confidences in the vault. Still, that underlying secret drive of achieving my coveted “they like me, they really really like me” status never really went away.

Here’s a classic example. Many years ago, I started a new job and my department did not yet have a desk area for me to use.  I floated around and would use anyone’s desk who was out for the day.  One of my coworkers who I had yet to meet was on vacation, so while she was out, I was told to use her area.  With a caveat. I was instructed by other coworkers that if I was going to use her desk, I “better not touch or move any of her stuff.  She will know and won’t be happy!”  Instantly I was intimidated by someone I hadn’t even met.  Upon her return, I finally got my own desk and it became my mission to – you guessed it – get her to like me.  I remember clearly the moment it happened.  She and I had to share a ride to go visit a customer.  During that drive, we shifted from slightly uncomfortable idle chat to finding common ground and the connection happened quickly.  Nearly 20 years later, she’s still a dear friend (you know who you are).

None of this is really that unusual.  I think a lot of us R.W.’s are predisposed to putting in extra effort to try to make other people happy.  Yet with age comes some modicum of intelligence and experience, and we gain the ability to shift our core beliefs to better match the reality of our lives.  I grew a stronger spine (metaphorically) and figured out how to speak up and stand up for myself, even dipping my toes into that wild world of possibly angering someone by having differing opinions.  Imagine my surprise to realize it could be kind of fun.  Thankfully we’ve finally gotten to a modern age where strong women are valued for their insight and intelligence, not just because they “are nice.”   Mind you, I will never be viewed as a Bad Ass. But no one has called me a Pollyanna in 40 years either.

The key is to find the balance of being kind and friendly without losing sense of self – and understanding that every one of us has crappy days.  As I’ve said before, we never know what invisible loads others may be carrying on their shoulders.   Especially in today’s world, we all get weighed down over and over by worries, fear and ugliness and it can result in us losing energy, being short of patience, even walking around with resting bitch face. I was talking to a couple girlfriends this weekend about how something so simple and seemingly inconsequential as not having a bagger in our grocery store cashier line, or being approached by someone trying to sell us something, or getting stuck in slow traffic, or being interrupted when we are trying to read the last 10 pages of a book is enough to make us snappy and short-tempered.  Sadly it is not taking much lately to push us into Eeyore-ville.  

Which is how, over all these years, my goals have shifted just slightly.  I now take on the challenge of evoking smiles, and creating just a glimmer of connection, when it feels like someone needs it.  No, they don’t have to be my friend.  They don’t even have to like me (honest!).   But for my efforts to be successful, they need to feel just a bit lighter. It has become like a personal game to me, something that kicks in and gives me an endorphin rush if I get a positive reaction in even the tiniest of ways.

This morning I had a doctor’s appointment, and the nurse who took me in was clearly not happy. She was just not having a good day.  No pleasantries, no smile, all business. She ran through her questions for me like a robot. Her mind was elsewhere – just like any of us, perhaps she was struggling to work while preoccupied with an ill loved one, child care issues, relationship problems, financial woes, world at war fears – who knows. I didn’t need to know.  Because we’ve all been there.  Young me would have been a bit scared by her.  Older me welcomed the challenge.  As she closed her iPad, stood up and distractedly told me the doctor would be in soon, I told her I loved how her bright blue crocs totally matched the scrubs she was wearing.  It’s true, I did.  Whether by accident or on purpose, at some point this morning, she chose that bright fun color in her shoe wear and scrubs.  She paused just for a second, smiled, chuckled and said thanks.  Boom, there it is!  Success. For 2.5 seconds life got lighter.

Finding that niche of connection somewhere between Switzerland and Disney World doesn’t always work, and sometimes isn’t appropriate. When we women have our sad or overwhelmed or stressed moments, we need understanding more than cheerfulness. Although some well-directed humor or sarcastic snarkiness or a heart-felt compliment can shine just a little bit of light in the gloom.

A couple weeks ago I had the amazing good fortune to attend a bucket-list concert. Before the show, a woman was walking around handing out themed friendship bracelets to other attendees. Just because we were all there together, sharing an experience and she too wanted to elicit some smiles and make brief connections.  Of course I took one and thanked her.  I’ll never see her again.  But I know she’s my kinda gal.

Posted in behavior, communication, friends, Health, moods, people, people, passion, personalities, Relationships, Social situations, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Of Tissues and Talent

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Real Women

Her name is Evette.  We’ve only exchanged brief pleasantries. 90% of the people I work with have never laid eyes on her.  She’s kind of a magical ninja who makes our environment pleasant.  Evette is our office cleaning professional.

We’ve gone through a pretty wide variety of cleaning services with a rapid turnover rate just in the past couple of years. There was the team who vacuumed to say that they had done it but didn’t bother to report that the belts were broken so the vacuum was not actually picking anything up.  And there was a crew who cruised through, emptied trash, spent most of the time chatting, and left things less than sparkling. You get the idea.

I noticed beneficial changes before I actually met Evette. Things were just cleaner and shinier. Even our desktops were dusted. No one was coming in early while meetings were still in progress and being disruptive, which was the case with one of the previous crews.  Eventually I met her because some days I stay a bit later than most, and she comes in after hours.  We exchanged some basic greetings as she came by to get my recycling and trash on her first of multiple loops around the building. She has a nice smile.

 And then there was the tissue box.

When I can manage to remember, I’ll bring in a box of tissues from home to have at my desk. A while back I had run out and kept forgetting to bring in more – just not the priority in my busy brain when gathering my things before hustling out the door.  One morning a tissue box was on my desk when I came in as if someone was reading my mind.  A couple of days later, not only was the box still there, but the first tissue had been neatly folded.  It reminded me of the room stewards on a cruise I took with my family who would shape and fold fresh towels into creative things like ducks and bears to greet us when we came in. 

You’d think that a folded tissue from a “commercial” tissue box would be no big thing.  Granted, it is a very small detail.  But to me it is those little things that mean the most.  The next time our paths crossed, I made a point to find her in the back hall, ask her name, and thank her for the work she is doing and tell her that I noticed the tissue detail and really appreciated it.  I may have embarrassed her a bit, but I think she appreciated the acknowledgement.

As I drove home, I thought about Evette (and I have no idea if I’m spelling her name correctly).  My guess is that she has professional experience in the hospitality industry – perhaps cleaning and maintenance with hotels or even cruise ships.  As typical of me, I started to make up a background story about her. Perhaps she has young kids at home so has adjusted her schedule to work evenings so she can be home during the day with them. Or maybe she has picked up office cleaning as a side hustle for a bit of extra income.For a pro like her, quite honestly our office space has to be a pretty easy gig.  There’s not a lot of us and we aren’t an especially messy crew. It is generally nice and quiet there while she’s working, and she is likely in and out of there in a fairly short amount of time – because she’s clearly very efficient.

What I admire the most is it is obvious that she takes pride in her work. She is not grumpy or begrudgingly going about her duties.  No matter what her reasoning, she is there to do a good job and she does — with an eye for detail.  I saw her again this evening, and noticed that she hustles – there’s no dragging of her feet.  She was multi-tasking like every successful woman, talking on her wireless ear buds while she swiftly did her first round of trash emptying.  When she saw me heading out, she paused her conversation to wish me a pleasant evening. She exudes a comfort and confidence in her job. If this is a side hustle, I wondered what else she does.  Perhaps she’s a business owner or a teacher or – per my other theory, an “at-home” mom.  

As a young girl of the 70’s and 80’s, I was emersed in a world that encouraged women to become corporate business leaders.  It became ingrained in us girls that we should strive to climb the corporate ladder, that we could be “as successful as any man”.  There was a deluge of TV shows and movies like Mary Tyler Moore, Murphy Brown, Working Girl, 9 to 5… each made the business world look glamorous, the idea of putting on a suit and nylons and sitting in meetings and surprising people (especially men) with our intelligence was the primary goal. I still remember the glee and pride that Melanie Griffith’s character had when she realized her office was the one with a big desk, a door, and a big window with the view of the city.  What more could a woman want? Wasn’t that what we all yearned for?

Flash forward to my adult life and I ventured as expected into the corporate world. It never really dawned on me to be an entrepreneur or learn a trade, I didn’t think I wanted to be a teacher and I knew darn well that I was not cut out for the medical field.  I went through the years of wearing suits, dresses, nylons and pumps – because that’s what we did in offices.  I gained new skills, I advanced from my first administrative positions to middle-management with people reporting to me.  I moved around to several companies and locations, learning more at every stop.  Could I have pushed harder to get to high-level leadership?  Sure.  Could I have demanded higher pay to come closer to what men doing the same job were making (trust me, some things don’t change)?  Yup.  Could I have worked even harder than the 50-60 hour weeks I put in during my 30’s to prove myself, given up on my own side gigs to devote myself to being at the tippy-top of that ladder?  I suppose. 

But somewhere along the way, I came to the important (to me) realization that enjoying what I was doing, and who I was doing it with, was what I valued most.  As much as I craved and needed respect (as we all should and all deserve), as much as I wanted people to be proud of me or impressed with my skills, and as much as I, like any working woman, have from time to time had to break through some stereotypes and prove I had a brain in a room full of men, I decided I didn’t need to ever reach the level of CEO or President.  I am infinitely glad that other women have been driven to rise to those ranks – by far my best bosses have been brilliant women.  But for me, throughout my career, my goals have been to be happy, to do my best always, and provide mentorship to help others succeed as well.  Well, that, and be able to pay my bills. Gotta be realistic.

There were a few times that I reached a position, role, or responsibility that wasn’t enjoyable.  But it wasn’t because of the title.  It was because of either what I was doing, or for whom I was doing it.  And it pushed me to make changes.  Throughout my journeys I have met some really interesting people, and worked with truly smart and talented individuals (and some not so much).  And oh, my, have I laughed (and sometimes cried).

I’m now in what I refer to as my encore career.  That’s a term I learned back when I was doing some soul-searching during a time of transition, and loosely translated it means the last big gig before retirement. Luckily, I love my job.  And when I look back at all the roles and places that the me in my 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond has been, I wouldn’t change a thing.  Will my someday professional bio list my massive awards and corporate accomplishments or businesses I’ve owned or run?  Nope.  And I’m ok with that.  What my track record will say is that I’ve embraced every job I’ve had, I’ve taken pride in my work, I’ve had fun – and I have made some positive impressions along the way.

If old me now could talk to young me then, I’d advise me that I didn’t really need to emulate those Hollywood-glamorized corporate women.  That any job or role holds value, and the attitude and pride you have in that role is what catches the attention of others. Just like Evette.  AND, just like Evette, I’ve learned there’s another secret to making a difference in people’s lives both professionally or personally:  little details matter.  You never know if that one tiny extra thing you do, or say, can make someone else’s day or life a little bit brighter.

Sometimes all it takes is a sharply folded new box of tissues.

Posted in accomplishments, achievements, Helping others, Professions, real women, Uncategorized, work | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Habits That Don’t Matter

Posted on May 7, 2023 by Real Women

I left clothes in the dryer when I went to bed last night.  I imagine some of you just physically cringed and thought “oh no she didn’t!”.  Others were “Yup. Same.”  To be honest, it is not an uncommon habit of mine. Sometimes they stay in there when I go off to work.  Do they get wrinkled?  Sometimes. Usually I can do a short “freshen up fluffing” cycle and all’s good. 

Yet I can’t leave the house or go to bed with dishes in the sink.  I feel compelled to clean dishes and make sure that porcelain well in the kitchen is free and clear no matter how late it is at night, and before I head out to work in the morning. (How could dishes show up overnight you ask?  I live with men. ‘Nuff said.)

The fact is we all have ways of doing things, habits, that we feel really strongly about how they SHOULD be done. Could be how we were raised, it could be a sign of our busy schedules, or it could just be because that’s how we like it.  The funny part is it really doesn’t matter.  No one else really cares, nor does it necessarily have a huge impact on our lives – outside of the possibility that doing it the wrong way may eat at your psyche all day.

Are you a make-your-bed-daily person, or a leave-it-as-it-is-I’m -just-gonna-be-back-in-it-later believer?  For me, I gotta make it. I even use linen spray so it seems and smells extra fresh.  There’s something about a nicely made bed that seems extra inviting to me.  That, and one of my very first chores I learned as a child was making beds, so I suppose it was ingrained in me early. 

Eat meals at the kitchen table, or in front of the TV in the family room?  Set the table with placemats and utensils, or let everyone fend for themselves?  Likely the majority of us are not royalty entertaining Heads of State and needing the place settings to be perfect. So does it matter if you are eating off of paper plates with plasticware, or if you’ve got matched silverware for everyone?   Not really.  They will all manage to eat.

Going back to the laundry situation, to iron or not to iron?  Years ago, when both my husband and I were dressing more professionally for our jobs (before Casual Every Day became a thing), I would once a week set up the ironing board in front of the TV and iron & hang a big stack of clothes (yes, I realize the irony that I could have saved myself effort with the not leaving-it-in-the-dryer thing).  Now, however, I rarely iron.  The iron lives in my bedroom, and if something really needs it, I’ll do a quick job of getting out the worst of the wrinkles, using my (nicely made) bed as my ironing board. OR there’s the hang it near the shower trick.  Does it matter how you got those wrinkles out?  Nope.

How about your commute?  Wherever it is you go every day, do you always go the same way?  Or do you change it up?  Sure, one particular direction is bound to be quickest, but if you have the time, do you get all wild and crazy and turn left instead of right and take the scenic route?  Do you stop at the same coffee shop on the same day and time and place the same order?  Or do you wing it like the Queen of Spontaneity that you are? Those who ardently believe that variety is the spice of life may say this habit DOES matter.  But really…. It doesn’t.  As long as you get to your destination safely with a smile on your face, it doesn’t matter how it happened.

Do you select your outfit for the next day before going to bed?  I used to, until I realized too many days I was waking up and thinking “gah, I really don’t want to wear that” and changed my mind anyway.  If you don’t make your selection in advance, does it really matter?  It might make your morning 3.5 minutes longer because you weren’t prepared in advance, but it is highly unlikely you’ll head out the door naked. No one will know it was a last minute wardrobe decision.

We tend to laugh at our pets for being extremely routine-oriented. But let’s face it, aren’t we all?  Even those of us who claim to be spontaneous and impulsive still have certain habits we do because… we just do.  Use a spoon or a stir stick?  Use the same glass all day or get out new ones?  Go to sleep always on the left side?  Our habits make us who we are, make that part of our lives predictable and while they don’t matter to anyone else, they matter to us and bring us comfort in some small way.

Sometimes when I’ve watched too many detective shows on TV, and have watched them sneak into a mysterious character’s home to look for clues, always finding some key piece of evidence shoved into a drawer or laying on top of an unmade bed, I wonder what they would think if they came into my house.  “Think she’s on the run, Joe?”.   “Maybe. But she’ll be back.”  “Why do you say that?” 

“She left clothes in the dryer.”

Posted in habits, personalities, routines | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

People Passion

Posted on March 27, 2023 by Real Women

Most people don’t suck. 

I know this may be hard to believe on the days that we listen to too much news, hear about another atrocity, end up in a crowded space that feels just too “peopley” or get a face full of cranky.  Those are the days when we get that overwhelming desire to retreat to our private quiet places of safety, pull our blankets over our heads and groan “I hate people”.  Let’s face it, we got to be pro’s at dwelling far away from each other during the height of Covid, and that skill will never be lost.   

But every now and then, when we emerge from those safe zones and bravely feel ready to interact in person – and not behind a screen – people can actually be…fairly awesome.

It should come as no surprise that I love stories. I especially love the stories of people.  We all carry chapters that have made up who we are.  Just like a suspenseful novel, the good, the bad, the scary, the inspiring, all of those bits and pieces make up our personal stories.  And when I get the chance to get a glimpse of a few of those chapters, I’m enthralled.

I’ve done some traveling over the past couple of weeks.  First for a family event and vacation, second for work.  Both trips took me to Florida. Which allowed me access to lots of stories.

The variety of interactions is a true myriad of humanity.  From travel personnel to restaurant workers to hotel staff to coworkers, customers, fellow travelers, drivers — the opportunities to have even the briefest connections are unending.

Sure, I get it, those initial interactions with strangers can feel kinda awkward.  But there is one simple, surefire way I’ve learned over the years to help make that connection quickly and turn it into something good. Find something the other person is passionate about.  During my work hours, that’s pretty easy – I work for a pet health products company, so as soon as I’ve shown an interest in whatever animal is in the other person’s life, the shoulders relax, the smiles come, and soon we are talking like old buddies.  When I was going through security at the airport, a woman noticed the logo on my backpack and instantly started telling me about her horse rescue organization, and the draft horse they just rescued earlier that week.  I could relate to her apparent level of exhaustion – but underlying that was an unmistakable passion.  And I was awarded with a quick chance to “read” an intro into one of her life’s chapters.

In that same airport, the line at the Starbucks was far longer and slower than I wanted to stand in.  I overheard two friends discussing an independent coffee shop just a few yards away so I stepped out of line, strolled over, found no line at all, and very friendly helpful baristas. I asked what kind of tea they had available and soon entered into a discussion about matcha.  I admitted that I only like small amounts of matcha because too much to me tastes like dead grass.  The barista told me that what she brews and makes into latte was a matcha green tea combo with added sugar (key ingredient), and while Starbuck’s match tea tastes like dead grass, theirs does not. She had me convinced to try it. Soon she handed me a latte that truly was delish. Sure, I didn’t get into any personal conversations, but clearly her passion at work is to steal Starbucks customers and make a great cup’a.  In the process, we shared a couple of giggles.

Every conversation and person I interacted with over my travels was in one way or another fascinating and truly pleasant. When we all take a minute to realize we are in this crazy world together, just regular “real” people, doing the best we can to not only get by but find joy, it is possible to enjoy each other’s company. Imagine that.

In the Convention Center where I spent a couple of days for work, there were hardworking restroom attendants whose responsibilities were to keep the bathrooms clean and functioning throughout many hours of use.  They were doing work that none of us would want to do.  They, to many of us, are virtually invisible. But all it took was an extra few seconds to say hello, share something funny (like the humor of waving our hands to make the soap come out) and we get rewarded with a smile and a chuckle. A 10-second connection made.

Some interactions don’t have to be that brief, and like a great short story, can stick with us long after we’ve parted company.  Such was the case with Ricky the Uber Driver.  Ricky provided my ride to the airport from the hotel for me to catch my flight home.  I enjoy talking with Uber drivers.  They can be great resources of information about the area, and often have amusing stories to share.  I usually start out asking if they have been a lifelong resident of where ever I am at the time, and if not, what brought them there.

In Ricky’s case, he previously worked in DC for a telecommunications company. He moved to FL with that company to pursue a management plan.  But corporate management was not his passion.  Music is.  He found side gigs singing, and soon landed work with Disney in a Motown group.  Then Universal heard him, and hired him as well. He left the office job and was a full-time musician, even doing a couple of years on a Cruise Ship. (Great if you are young, he explained, but it can turn into Groundhog Day.)  Until Covid shut down that industry.

To make ends meet, he became an Uber driver, where he drove 40+ hours a week as an essential driver transporting medical personnel.  I can only imagine the stories he heard and the exhausted people he met.  Eventually he was able to pick back up with music and now has a band, performs out, and picks up gigs for conventions and special events as well.  Yet he has not given up Uber, and won’t.  It puts extra money in his pocket and he truly enjoys it. He can write his own hours, and he enjoys meeting a wide variety of people.  In the 20 minutes we spent together, I got the Cliff Notes version of 20+ years of his life story. I heard about his passion. I flipped through the chapters, wanting more. I wanted to hear his music, I wanted to understand what the Covid essential driving was like.  But that much detail was not meant to be.  Instead I walked away glad to have met him, and ready for my next people, my next stories, my next chance to understand someone’s passions.  We all have them, just like we all have chapters that have brought us to this point in life.   And with a bit of kindness and hope, we can connect because of them.

By the way.  Not once did Ricky say People Suck.

Posted in behavior, communication, discussions, memories, passion, people, Relationships, travel | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It Doesn’t Always Have to Be a Mountain

Posted on February 5, 2023 by Real Women

I cleaned out and sorted my underwear drawer today. Exciting, right?  Perhaps it would have sounded more exciting if I called it my lingerie.  But let’s be real.  I’m a middle-aged woman headed into her 25th year of marriage.  There’s no lingerie.  It’s bras, panties, and socks.  As I was attempting to put clean laundry away, those cluttered waded up messy drawers pushed me to the point of “enough, this is ridiculous” and the purging began.  Out went items that I never wear due to fit and discomfort. Out went items that were even too horrifyingly old and ugly to be donned in the darkness of my own bedroom. I took the time to categorize, gently fold and color code.  I found pairs of socks I didn’t know I owned. I found a bra I’d spent two weeks looking for.  Upon completion, my two drawers now look more like the compartments in a Victoria Secret store and less like bins of Salvation Army castaways.  The whole process took me about 15 minutes and no one else will ever see it or appreciate it. But it felt great. I almost took a photo of the results, but there are some things that just aren’t Instagram-worthy.  I’m also proud to say that I did not add “sort underwear drawer” to my to do list simply for the rush of then crossing it off.  Instead, I considered it a bonus Atta Girl to my day.

We Real Women tend to attack our days, our evenings, and our weekends like we need to scale Mount Everest, give a motivational presentation at the top, then come back down in time to make a meal, organize and put away everything at basecamp while checking in with loved ones to make sure the cat has been fed, the dogs walked, the plants watered and the dishwasher started before we feel we’ve earned the right to put our feet up.

Rumor has it that Confucius once advised: “The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.”   Had he been writing about women, it would have gone more like this:  “The woman who moves a mountain begins by carrying three bags of boulders, her purse, the dirty laundry, and uses her hips to push past trees as she checks her watch to see how much more she can do before it gets dark.”  

None of us are good at focusing on small stones. As I’ve lugged my share of boulders with the rest of you, and I’ve gotten a bit older, I’ve started to learn that maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t hurt to scale down a bit.  In our 20’s and 30’s, we think nothing of putting in 9-10 hours at work, head to a second job or go do a workout, then get home to kick into gear coping with whatever family needs are clawing at us and complete at least 7 different chores before calling it a day.  Well, my younger friends, I have news. You won’t want to hear this, but that level of rock-hauling is not sustainable for the next 30 – 40 years.

In New England, I think tackling small projects that have been annoyingly gnawing away at our mental to do lists is a bit easier in the winter.  It is cold out and it gets dark early.  We tend to spend more time at home. During these weeks and months, I try to focus on those boulders – err, sorry, stones, that I’ve been ignoring when the sunshine and warmth beckon to me to find other more fun projects.  So you know what else I did this weekend?  I worked on my Will prep. That sounds fun, doesn’t it?  My husband’s and my current wills are over 10 years old.  We finally met with a planner a few weeks ago, and our homework is to get our estate plan in order (which makes me giggle, because when I read the word Estate I envision a grand manor with stone lions at the entry, overseas investment accounts, a ranch of horses and yachts at the marina.  Not a small colonial with a cracked driveway, college debt, project cars in the garage and two goofy dogs in the yard.)

It’s not a 5-minute project. Collecting all the necessary information is surprisingly a bit of a pain in the butt.  Think how horrid it would be for someone in a panic who has no idea where to look. Today I was reminded of my older brother, who had life-long health issues.  He traveled with a piece of paper in his wallet that listed all of his doctors and his medications. He made sure I had an updated version with me as well.  I realized that no one but me knows who my doctors are. So yesterday I started that one tiny piece of the puzzle and wrote down all of my doctors with their contact information. It really is just a small stone in what will soon be a very pretty, organized, pile of rocks.  But it deserved another little Atta Girl.  And a piece of chocolate, the prize in my world for every Atta Girl.

The younger me would have felt compelled to finish our estate planning  in one weekend.  The younger me would have decided my entire closet needed an overhaul in an afternoon.  The younger me would have chastised myself for writing just a blog post instead of 10 chapters for my dream book. The younger me used to think nothing of attempting to climb the whole mountain every day. 

The me of today is learning to be happy with climbing smaller hills on this journey. Yes, some days I still find myself trying to climb too many of those small hills, or I catch myself still trying to carry too many big rocks. And I meet a whole lot of you along the way doing the exact same thing. But we are learning to find satisfaction in the completion of tidbits – even if no one ever notices. Our daily accomplishments don’t have to always be about moving mountains.  Sometimes they can be as minor and boring as sorting bras.

I’ve done enough tidbits today. I’m ready to put my feet up, which is something else my younger self rarely did. While I relax, I’ll ponder what other Atta Girls I can sneak into my days. I think next weekend I’ll pull some furniture away from the walls to vacuum and clean behind them.  It doesn’t get much more exciting than that.  Especially if I find some small pebbles.

Posted in accomplishments, achievements, age, celebrations, Chores, cleaning, comfort, Entertainment, family, friends, Health, home, home chores, housework, life phases, preparation, projects, real women, routines, self care | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Peace of Jammies

Posted on December 22, 2022 by Real Women

A couple of evenings ago, as I hustled in to the gym a few minutes late for workout after a busy work day with visions of last minute holiday to do’s dancing in my head, I said to my coworker and workout partner “You know what I’m most looking forward to about the holiday?  Sitting around in my jammies doing nothing.”

Ok, in all honesty, that’s not 100% true. There are a lot of other things I look forward to as well.  But at that moment, stopping and relaxing was in the top 3.  Let’s face it R.W.’s, no matter what holiday you celebrate around this time of year, any and all preparations become “extra stuff” on top of our already busy days. And most of it lands on us.

I do realize that those of us who celebrate Christmas do tend to go a wee bit overboard.  I’m thinking we should take some lessons from our friends who are halfway through their Hanukkah celebrations. They seem to have it all figured out with low levels of stress.  “8 days?  Pfft, we got this.”

I also realize that I bring this all on myself.  All of the decorating, baking, gift shopping, wrapping, card sending, gatherings – I could scale back.  Someday I will. Someday we will downsize to a smaller house.  Someday I won’t have the energy level I do now. Some years, like in the past, finances will require cutting back.  But for now I’m all in.  Because, as exhausted as I may be, I love doing it.  One recent evening, we were sitting by the tree with my son’s girlfriend giving her a couple of gifts before she traveled out of town to visit family.  She asked me if Christmas was my favorite holiday and time of year.  My son jumped in with a response: “of course it is, just look around!”  Ok, so I guess it’s pretty obvious I’m kind of into it.

All of the hustle and bustle preparations are all part of the holiday for me.  Sparkling lights, cookies in the oven, holiday music, even last-minute gift wrapping all helps build a sense of joy and anticipation.  It is all worth it to see a smile on someone’s face, getting wrapped up in a warm hug, adding some joy to the day, sharing good food (albeit often unhealthy), and especially – for me – experiencing the beauty and peace of candle-filled church services.

For those of us who go barreling through the season running on hot cocoa and adrenaline, it’s important to remember that this is not a happy nor easy time of year for many.  Those battling illness, loneliness, poverty, loss of loved ones, all struggle with the Hallmark-cheer that probably feels bombarding. Add in a whopper of a storm hitting much of the country and the festive positivity in the air can dissipate quickly. Sometimes the most important “extra” we can add to our list is stopping by to pay a visit, picking up the phone to check in, or just plain slowing down enough to be there for someone having a tough time.  

Which brings me back to the slowing down thing. It is very true that one of my most favorite things of all about holiday time is to just “be”.   To think about what the holiday is all about, to stop and gaze at the beauty around us, to stop rushing and doing… on Christmas day, if we are lucky enough to have a house full of people – or even just a couple of us – I like to take moments to just stop, listen and watch.  To appreciate what is happening.  And yes, a small part of that is being happy and proud of the efforts taken to make it all extra special.  Sure, the Grinch found out that Christmas would come no matter what…. But putting extra sparkle into it is really rewarding.

So to my festive R.W. soul sisters out there, my wish for you all is that you are able to slow down. Breathe. Soak in the atmosphere.  Feel some peace. Stay in your jammies a little longer.  Take the time to think about what your holiday means to you.  Have a cup o’ cocoa.  (Your choice if you add a bit of Bailey’s.)  Make a connection with someone and feel the love. You’ve weaved your magic, time to relax and enjoy it.

Happy Holidays to you all – whether you’ve followed my blog for years, or are reading this Real Women post for the very first time, I appreciate you and wish you warmth, peace and holiday enchantment.   

Posted in celebrations, decor, family, Holidays, love, preparation, real women, Seasons | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Food Memories

Posted on November 23, 2022 by Real Women

My son came home yesterday for the holiday break. Always an event that makes a Happy Mom.  Over supper, we were chatting about Thanksgiving food, and he shared a memory about his Uncle and an artichoke. You see, my older brother, who passed four years ago, loved artichokes. My son remembered one year when he asked me if I’d cook him one to go with Thanksgiving dinner.  He then went through careful instruction with my son to teach him how to eat one, and my son remembers vividly trying it and thinking “you know what? I don’t hate this.”

My son has no idea how much his sharing of this memory meant to me last night.  The best thing about sharing memories, is that it makes one realize that we aren’t the only holders of them.  When events, or people, pass on, we are left with thoughts and remembrances in our heads and hearts, and some of us RW’s worry that these will fade over time.  When someone else seemingly randomly shares a memory they have of a moment in time, it feels like a happy warm blanket, and helps us keep hope that the legacy of the person or event will live on – and truly meant something to others as well.  No matter how potentially trivial.

Food tends to illicit recollections and memories.  We all have those moments when a smell or flavor will transport us back in time to perhaps a friend’s dinner table, or a grandmother’s kitchen, or a backyard BBQ.  But it is the people and the activities around that food memory that are so special because let’s face it, in a lot of ways, food is social.  And here we are, on the eve of a famously food-focused holiday, and those memories come-a-swirlin’.  Something can spring to mind or conjure a feeling that may not really have as much to do with the food itself as the people involved. Or the setting. Or the weather.  The memory may even be about a table decoration – like the childhood plastic bunny that always held jelly beans that my sibling still puts out every Easter. 

Sure, those RW’s of us who are doing lots of food prep hope for a “this is delicious”, but deep down we know we are more hoping to create memories.  Good AND bad.  Lord knows Epic Food Fails can be really funny years later.  There’s nothing better than having someone share a memory and tell a story that has us laughing and spurting out “I can’t believe you remember that!”  

I’ve spoken to a number of people who this year will be missing some folks around the table for Thanksgiving, due to anything from illness to hospitalization to death to distance.  Missing in person doesn’t mean they will be missing in thoughts and words. Their presence just takes another form.

Memories are best shared spontaneously, out of the blue. Luckily, that is how memories tend to surface – when something someone says or does reminds you of a moment in the past, and truly makes us thankful for having experienced it, no matter how simple or silly it may be. This year, I have a suggestion to us all.  No matter whether you are cooking a feast for a big gathering, a small meal for just a few, making reservations or ordering out for a party of one this week….my wish for you is to pick up the phone, speak up at the table, or write a note to someone to share a “random” memory. 

You never know when a story about an artichoke could make someone’s day.

Happy Thanksgiving and wishes for warm & lovely memories to you all!

Posted in celebrations, communication, Entertainment, events, family, Food, history, Holidays, memories, real women, Relationships, Seasons, Traditions, words | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment