The December issue of Women’s Health features a flawlessly beautiful Kaley Cuoco on the cover and in the celebrity article. They chose to do a feature on her because she works out a lot, and, well, she’s great.
I have nothing against Kaley, I think she is talented and funny and strikes that harmonious chord of being somewhere between nauseatingly unrealistically perfect, and a girlfriend you’d want to go grab a beer with.
But after reading the article, which was constructed like so many others, I couldn’t help but wonder how it would sound if the editor had interviewed an average every day real woman instead. Most of these articles are the same – the interviews are conducted in some trendy location, the celebrity looks casually chic, and the topics touch on how they look so amazing, how they overcame some romantic crisis, and report on some new chapter in their career (like moving from tv to movies, or launching a new clothing line.). How would an R.W. answer the questions? Let’s reconstruct, shall we?
Kaley Cuoco has arrived early for dinner at the farm-to-table eatery…in Santa Monica, CA. R.W. rushes in 20 minutes late to lunch and throws her giant purse on the stained bench in the corner of a busy Panera sandwich shop in Anytown, USA.
Kaley digs into a plate of burrata and a glass of rose. R.W. orders a chicken panini with a side of fries and a diet coke because it’s all about balance.
Kaley is SoCal-cute in boyfriend jeans and a white tank, with a large-brimmed hat pulled down to the top of her wide-set hazel eyes. R.W., slightly frazzled in clearance rack yoga pants and a flowy Gen X tunic, she searches for her glasses which are on top of her head.
Kaley works hard on her body and it shows. She’s got triceps and deltoids that are way toned. R.W. has been working out in her basement and at the local gym in a valiant attempt to beat back her muffin top and loose arm flaps, all to no avail. “Wait. Does running late count as cardio?” she asks.
At 31, she credits her hot yoga and cycling routine. At 51, she curses menopause for her eliminated metabolism.
“My workouts combine sculpting with a 60-minute sweat-a-thon.” “The hardest part of my workouts is getting back up off the floor, and finding enough Aleve in my purse for my knees.”
It has been 12 months since Kaley and her tennis-pro husband of less than two years…announced their split, leaving her devastated. R.W. and her engineer husband of 25 years see no reason to split up. “Some days we like each other, some days not so much. But I love the goofball, and I’m far too busy and tired to ever train a new one.”
On weekends she seeks solitude at her ranch in Simi Valley, CA, where she spends the day riding miles of trails on one of her seven horses. On weekends she plays a game of beat the clock, running errands, chauffeuring the kids and catching up on home maintenance issues, squeezing in time with her two cats, one dog and feeding the hamster no one else takes care of. Solitude? What’s that?
Kaley predicts and hopes that there will be two more seasons of her successful show. Then she says, “I can’t see myself doing television again” though she hasn’t decided with might take its place. R.W. predicts that she will be staying in her current position until she finds her dream encore career though she has no idea what that could be, or she can retire.
After the interview, Kaley will be hopping on a flight to San Diego to spend a romantic weekend with her boyfriend. After the interview, R.W. will be transporting her son or daughter to a social event, doing the grocery shopping and, this time of year, adding another dozen holiday must-do’s to her list.
Eventually, at the end of the night, R.W. will sit and relax for the first time in about 16 hours. She will pick up a magazine or tablet and read about people she can in no way relate to. Why? We don’t know. Perhaps in the recesses of our minds, we believe that if we start taking Hot Yoga we’ll turn into Kaley Cuoco. Or perhaps we just have an odd fascination with how the other half lives (which makes no sense, there are far more of us than them). Either way, after flipping through the world of celebrities, models and professional athletes, R.W. will set the magazine down and survey her own kingdom. She will look past the piles of laundry and dirty floors and smile. Because what we have in our real lives is pretty darn amazing.
Eat your heart out, Kaley.