SSS

Posted on November 12, 2013 by Real Women

stress-managementStress —  /stres/ noun  — a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. 

Raise your hand if you haven’t felt this in the past 48 hours.  If you have your hand raised, imagine me giving you a virtual high five. Congratulations.  To the rest of you out there, welcome to our not-so-exclusive club.

Real Women, by virtue of simply getting through our busy super-woman days, consider stress to be a regular part of life. We are all well aware that life serves up large doses of challenges, and how we cope with those challenges varies as much as our hair color.   Certainly there are serious, high-stress moments in our lives which deserve respect and attention, like the loss of a job, natural disasters, family issues, health concerns and war.  God forbid any of us experience these moments, yet we somehow seem to rise to the occasion and make it through.

On the other hand, it seems that it is the more minor stresses and strains that we run into far more frequently that tend to set us the most on edge.  Running late to an appointment, burning dinner, trying to help with a child’s homework, even trying to find clothes that fit – ah, yes, these are the things that can get our heart rate up, clench our stomachs, stiffen our necks, have us rubbing our temples and turning us into short-tempered witches.  These seemingly trivial events pile up on our already overwhelmed psyches and within the blink of an eye we are spinning in a stress vortex.

Even the most inconsequential aggravations feel very real when they are happening.  Yet if we can somehow manage to step outside the vicious grip, we can see it for what it really is:  Stupid Stress.   Not heavy duty, serious stress.  Stupid Stress.  And I’d like to start a movement to Stop Stupid Stress.

This morning I was running just a bit behind schedule. I was feeling the need to get to work early because I was already worried about getting everything done that I needed to do.  (Note to self, stop answering work emails before 6:30am).   I was having a bad hair day, and couldn’t think clearly enough to find something to wear.  And just like that, the stress vortex started, my evil twin emerged, and I found myself standing in my closet cursing like a truck driver.   Yup, once again I had succumbed to Stupid Stress.

I had to get my dog outside to do his business, and when I stepped out, I saw the first snowflakes of the season falling.  I’m not a big fan of winter. (Yes, I realize the irony that I live in New England and feel an animosity toward the season).  But in this instance, with my dog happily scampering across the yard, the quick brisk blast of refreshing cold air and drifting flakes acted like a proverbial clarifying slap when I needed it.  I took a few deep breaths and willed my evil twin away.

When I stepped back inside, the News was on and broadcasting an update to the horrific aftermath of the monster storm that has hit the Philippines.   Those poor people were beyond Serious Stress.  What they are experiencing can’t be appropriately put into words.

Funny how, if we are open to seeing the blatant signs, we can regain perspective within just a few short minutes when needed.  I had successfully conducted my SSS campaign, and headed to work in a calmer mode.  It was a long busy day, and as the work day was supposed to be ending and I was starting to feel the pressure of my unfinished to do list, I could feel my neck start to ache, my vortex kicking in…. then I received a call from my son.  His happy and proud voice on the phone was telling me he had brought home his report card, and he had made Honor roll.   SSS.

There are times when feelings of stress are warranted, maybe even necessary.  But for all those other times…. Shouldn’t we try just a little bit harder to just let things roll?  To do our best to not give in to all that rampant Stupid Stress?   Wouldn’t we all feel so much better if we could?

I know, it is easier said than done.  We’ve all been there, done that, and feel it all too often.  Yet I urge you to join me in my crusade.  The next time you feel that spiral starting, take a breath and ask yourself if it is really worth getting worked up over, really worth that cranky witchy feeling you are about to get.   Who knows….maybe, just maybe, together, Real Women, we can Stop Stupid Stress.

 

 

 

 

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Can’t Ignore the Benefits

Posted on November 6, 2013 by Real Women

Joy JohnsonThe New York Daily News recently ran a story about Joy Johnson, the oldest woman to run the New York City Marathon.  At the age of 86, this was her 25th time running that particular Marathon.  She finished even after falling and hitting her head.  Sadly, the next day she passed away.  She went to take a nap and never woke up.

I find this story amazing on two levels.  First, that this woman who reportedly had said in the past “I’m going to run until I drop… I’m going to die in my tennis shoes” did just that – her last full day on this earth was spent doing what she loved, then she passed relatively peacefully in her sleep.  How could any of us ever ask for more?

Secondly, she was running a marathon.  At 86.  Even more astonishing, the article indicated that she had lamented that she was slowing down, but that she still regularly did eight-mile runs and completing 150 push ups.  At 86!

I know my sarcastic glass-half-empty friends out there would say “See?  Exercise killed her!”  On the contrary, my friends.  Exercise kept her fit, happy and strong for over 80 years.

Of course most of us are not marathon runners – at any age.  Women who regularly participate in physically demanding events like marathons, or who are elite athletes, fall into the category of extraordinary Real Women.  The rest of us regular Real Women strive to get some sort of regular exercise because we know it is good for us, and we may even admit it makes us feel better.

At this time of year this can be especially challenging.  It is dark and getting cold.  We have an overwhelming desire to channel our inner mama bears by settling in for a big ol’ plate of comfort food then burrow under a blanky and hibernate.  Getting up and moving can be one of the last things on our minds.

I have to laugh when I read articles in magazines about female celebrities and their workouts with their trainers, and how hard they’ve worked to get their perfect bodies.  I’m sure they have worked hard…. yet clearly if we all had home gyms that look like this: celeb home gym

and Personal Trainers who look this:   celeb trainer

we’d all be much more motivated to get fit.   But in the real world, most of us have treadmills or stair masters or other chunks of old fitness equipment that were popular in the 80’s, which are gathering dust in our dark basements, or are being used as clothes dryers.  Either that, or we have gym memberships that require venturing out into that dark cold world to visit.   If we are lucky, we have a long-suffering spouse or work-out buddy BFF to share the pain.

Yet complain as we do, we can’t ignore that the benefits outweigh (pardon the pun) the downsides.  Generally the problem lies in the “get up and get going” process. Once moving, it is better.  My Ob/Gyn once shared a great analogy with me.  She said after a certain age for women, sex is like going to the gym.  It takes a lot of effort to go, but once you finally go through with it, you feel better and are glad you went.

Not too many of us will be like Joy the grandma marathoner, but as long as we are doing something, we may just live a bit longer and stronger.  The other day I had a conversation with my Aunt.  She has always been full of energy.  Now in the later half of her 7th decade, she told me that she still plays tennis twice a week and goes regularly “to the damn gym.”   She is one of those women who looks at least 15 years younger than she really is.  Coincidence?  I think not.

The other day I took a very short, unscientific “quiz” online to determine my “fitness age.”   The results came back, and they knocked 4 years off my actual age.  I was disappointed at first, as I had hoped that I’d get a virtual pat on the back and be told that my body was something amazing like 10 years younger than my chronological age.  But then I realized at least it didn’t come back saying I had one foot in the grave.  So I must be doing something right.

I guess I better keep at it.  And after hearing Joy’s story, I’m going to try very hard to not give in to temptation to slow down or complain about feeling too old to complete my workouts.   I’m not sure I’ll die in my tennis shoes – but I’ll do my best to still look good in them until the very end.

 

 

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Great Achievements

Posted on November 3, 2013 by Real Women

woman on mtnOur greatness is often measured by our accomplishments. It starts when we are young as we are recognized for achievements like bringing home good grades, being a star athlete on the school team and winning a trophy, doing good deeds or volunteering to help those in need, and earning scholarships.

Later in life, we list our accomplishments like badges of honor on our resumes, hoping it will put us a few steps ahead of our competitors in the job market.  Some of us aim ever higher taking on such lofty life events as climbing mountains, becoming CEO, losing 100 pounds, or earning advanced degrees.  Certainly the rich and famous are all about their triumphs, usually measured by box office gross numbers and Emmy and Oscar statues.

Successes and unusual endeavors are to be applauded and honored.  Going above and beyond can be a remarkable undertaking that deserves acclaim.

Yet I wonder… do we sometimes set ourselves up for feelings of inadequacy when we don’t do anything quite as incredible as others?  If we aren’t tackling Mount McKinley, being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, writing a best-selling novel or starring in a blockbuster movie, do we feel some how inferior?

More to the point, why aren’t we doing more to congratulate ourselves on regular, real life accomplishments?  We spend so much time pushing to do more and be more that we don’t stop often enough to say “damn, I’m good.”  Or “yay me.”   We focus on our list of to-do’s far more than being proud of the “got done’s.”   Part of being Real Women means that we do incredible things every day – but we don’t think of ourselves as necessarily that amazing.

Did you spend time this weekend taking your child to various sports activities and cheer them on?   Bravo.

Did you pay your bills, buy groceries and get 8 loads of laundry done?  Good for you.

Have you put in a full day of work yet still been home in time to spend time with your family and put a meal on the table?  Amazing.

You fit in time to volunteer at church, a charity, or help someone in need?  Incredible.

You didn’t run a marathon, but you got to the gym three times this week and walked the dog?  You rock.

Feels pretty good, doesn’t it?  I’d like to start a movement where we Real Women praise each other for at least one great accomplishment each day.  Rather than laying in bed at the end of a long day reviewing all the things we didn’t get done, or feeling inadequate over not achieving more lofty goals, how about we give ourselves a pat on the back for everything we DID do?   Even better, how about you give yourself some sort of treat, or reward, for your accomplishments?  How about 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with a magazine?  Or a bubble bath?  Or, yes, even a bowl of ice cream. On some days that could beat the dickens out of any ol’ Oscar award.

Today I am going to be happy and proud of myself for getting the house cleaned, for helping out a family member, for getting the dog bathed, and making a yummy dinner – and getting it all done before midnight.  And my rewards are two-fold: a little time in my cozy pink office to do some writing, then I’m going to go put my feet up (literally!), grab a blanket and watch some tv with my hubby and son.

Is any of this something I’ll add to my resume or put up on a display shelf?  No.  But right now, it feels just as awesome.

 

 

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Reverse Transformation

Posted on October 28, 2013 by Real Women

cinderella maid

Superman had his phone booth, Wonder Woman had her spin, and Cinderella had her Fairy Godmother’s wand.  Within a matter of seconds, these drab, normal nerds became fabulous.  Who could forget Superman’s blue eyes and matching well-filled spandex, or Wonder Woman’s boots and lasso, or of course Cindy’s gown and crystal pumps?   Their plain clothes and dreary complexions were replaced with strength and beauty.

I believe we Real Women go through the same sort of transformations on a daily basis – but we do it in reverse.  We need our strength and beauty for our public personae’s, and then happily go through a reverse make over when we get home.

For most of us, we get up in the morning and get dressed, do our hair, and look pretty darn fabulous when we step out the door to go to our jobs, school, whatever our destination.  At the end of our day, we can’t wait to get home, put our hair up, take off the make-up and throw on our sweats.  This conversion can happen faster than the wave of a magic wand.

My mom used to say she didn’t understand why young women would look so nice going to school or work, but then when they came home to get ready to go out on a date, they dressed down into “ratty old jeans.”   I guess I can see her point in a way.  My husband leaves for work early, when I’m still in my jammies.  When I get home in the evening, I’ve either been to workout and look pretty frightening and sweaty, or he sees me looking nice for about 5 minutes before I do my spin and transform to schlubby girl.  He never gets the benefit of seeing professional put-together me.   As a girl, I was fascinated to watch my stay-at-home mom stop whatever she was doing minutes before my dad got home from work to brush out her hair and put on lipstick.   Now I’m doing the reverse for my hubby.

Sure, there are a few of you R.W’s out there who are always fashionable, and always look great.  You know who you are – the ones who look like the Flashdance girl in your torn shirts while the rest of us look like we’ve been camping for three days.  I try not to hate you natural beauties.  The rest of us can only manage to look like a runway model for a few hours each day.

As much as I may feel a twinge of guilt for my husband because the rest of the world gets to see a Cinderella Wannabe and he gets Cindy the tattered maid, we women need our downtime.   There are a lot of nights that I can hardly wait to crawl into my comfy clothes and let out my long “aaaahhhhhh…”

We spend long hours acting as Wonder Woman,  protecting our loved ones,  fighting bad guys and looking amazing. By the end of the day, our Shroud of Magnificence needs to be let down.  We are still fabulous of course.  But we are comfy, relaxed, and ready to revitalize.

Posted in beauty, Style | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

‘Tis the Season

Posted on October 22, 2013 by Real Women

catalogsThe temperature is dropping, the days are getting shorter and a new season has arrived.  No, I’m not referring to autumn.  Nor am I referring to Halloween or even the somewhat revolting fact that there are Christmas decorations sitting right alongside witches’ hats in Target.

Instead I’m referring to Catalog Season.  That time of year when magically my mailbox, and I’m guessing many other RW’s mailboxes, are stuffed with something beyond the usual bills and direct mail cards.  It is as if a distant bell rings, and the hounds of print are released.  Some magic trip cord pulls open the shoot and we are drowned in colorful pages of products that various companies believe we “must” have.

I am well aware that I sealed my own fate.  A few years ago, feeling pressed for time, I ventured into the land of holiday shopping by catalog.  It only took a few orders, and –poof—instantly I’m on every mailing list known to man.   My name and address has spread through the world of print retail faster than a popular teen girl’s name whips through high school texts.

And oh, my, the variety!  I get catalogs of bizarre stuff that I would never dream of ordering.   From the comfort of my living room, I can flip through pages to see anything and everything from food items to tacky joke gifts, to high-end electronics to T-shirts to calendars and books to sporting goods to….. you get the idea.   Some days I wonder what kind of catalogs arrive at the home of celebrities and wealthy socialites.  I’m guessing they get more Hammacher Schlemmer and less Betty’s Attic.

I have to chuckle when I hear marketers (myself included!) talk about how print is dying, that electronic media is where it’s at… and about how the high cost of postage is forcing cut backs to mailings, and how “no one” reads direct mail anymore.  If all of that is true, then why am I still receiving an average of 3 catalogs per day during this season?   Someone must be reading and using catalogs still, even if I’m not.

I do admit that I have turned away a bit from my old print friends.  Sure, when I have time to sit and put my feet up (wait, does that ever happen?) I will thumb through a particular catalog that has caught my eye and maybe even fold down a few pages of ideas.  But I have found a new love who meets virtually all my needs for my from-home ordering.  I even have a new mantra:  You can find anything on Amazon.  (And no, this is not a paid endorsement…. darn…)  At first I was tentative…but then I put them to the test by finding a particular item in a unique catalog, searching to see if my friends at the big A could offer it to me as well. To my amazement, not only did they have the item, but offered it to me at less cost. My relationship with this enchanted retail portal has even moved to a new level so I get free shipping.   What’s not to love?

Still…. There is something to be said for holding glossy pages in my hands, flipping through with a bit of excitement to see what images and descriptions will appear on the next pages.  And you just can’t beat the creativity of the season.  I mean, who wouldn’t be a bit fascinated by a Holographic Santa’s Sleigh Tree Topper?  Sure, the quantity of catalogs can verge on the ridiculous and  I’m guessing the people who truly hate this season are mail carriers and the folks who collect our recyclables each week.

But for the rest of us, it is time to grab a cup of cocoa and settle in for some shopping in our jammies.

 

 

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Taking Flight

Posted on October 17, 2013 by Real Women

woman with suitcaseAirports are fairly fascinating places.  That is, they can be fascinating and interesting if we can put aside our dread about the inevitable hassles, frustrations, delays, expense and aggravations.  Remember when flying was exciting and fun?  There used to be an aura of exhilaration and sophistication around air travel.  Now, unfortunately for most, it is a time-consuming, draining and often nerve-wracking experience.

And yet… for those of us who enjoy the art of people-watching and observing, the time spent in an airport can actually be entertaining.  Today I had the chance to experience this microcosm of fellow travelers.

I find it intriguing to see such a variety of people all forced to follow the same rules, regulations and processes.  We all have to do our check-ins, handle our luggage issues (check or carry on?), and go through the lines at security.  What an odd sight that is – uniformed personnel reviewing boarding tickets and licenses, then each of us stripping ourselves of our possessions, including shoes and belts (I was concerned one young man in front of me would lose his pants) and one-by-one going through the “magic imaging portal”.  When we emerge on the other side, there is the scramble to reclaim our belongings and redress ourselves while perching on benches and tables.

Then…. the waiting game. Unless, of course, you have cut your time too short and it becomes the rush-to-your-gate game.  Generally, however, we are presented with something none of us seem to have anymore: spare time.  Time to grab a snack, or browse shops, read a magazine…or just sit and observe.

At the risk of sounding creepy, I often speculate about the stories surrounding the people I see – where are they going, where are they coming from, why are they here?  In particular of course, I hone in on all of the other Real Women I see and imagine what brought them there, and how much are they managing or balancing in order to be going wherever they are going?

I see young women, in their comfy collegiate wear and trendy Ugg Boots, and I assume they are traveling between home and college.  What are they carrying with them?  Worries about exams and projects?  Excitement or maybe concern about going back home?  Anxiety about boyfriends?  Whew. As much as I yearn for my lost youth, I’m glad I’m no longer them.

Then there are the slightly harried moms traveling with children – I envision they are venturing out to visit family or go on vacation.  And I want to salute them. So many of us have been there, done that, and it is not easy.  As I see them pass by, I remember the first flight my husband and I took with my son when he was a baby.  And typical of babies, he cried during take-off, was fussy for four hours, then cried and puked on us during the landing.   I wish those moms well.

There are the older women, I presume retired, who I am happy to see being active and able to travel.  Perhaps they are off to visit family and grandchildren, or even better, finally having the time and opportunity to just travel for fun and experience the rest of the world.  I hope that to be me some day.

And then, most curious to me because I can most closely relate, are the more professionally-clad women.  They are striding down the hallway with a purpose, often towing a small overnight-sized bag.  I wonder if they are the frequent-traveler type, who always have a bag packed and ready, who have mastered the art of regular travel and treat it simply as a form of commuting… or are they the less frequent traveler who has to leave home for the occasional work conference or event?  And how much did that woman have to juggle at home or in the office in order to be traveling today?

Yes, there are a wide variety of RW’s, all heading somewhere –different places for different reasons.  I can’t help but consider that underneath the “why”, aren’t we all very similar?  Like me, did they too re-pack 3 times, and end up over-packing?  Are they planning their last minute run to the ladies’ room in the hopes of making it through a full flight without having to use the one on the airplane?  Did they spend the past few days putting in extra hours at work or school in preparation to be away?   Did they leave reminder notes at home for their husband and kids?  Are they wondering what they forgot to do or pack before departure?  Are they making sure they have gum to chew during take-off, and Motrin for the inevitable travel headache?

During my last ladies room visit before boarding, I was doing that awkward washing-hands-while-holding-my-bags-and-looking-around-for-the-hand-towels move when another R.W. entered.  She glanced at me, then as she walked by, she pushed the dispenser lever to make it easier for me to reach over and rip off the towels and dry my hands.  Why?  Because we’ve all been there. We understand each other. And because inside we are all very much alike, and with simple gestures we can help each other out and make our trips through life a bit easier.

Safe travels.

 

 

 

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Wedging It All In

Posted on October 13, 2013 by Real Women

running lateMy BFF gave me this great little plaque that pretty much summarizes my life: Is running late considered cardio?   Ahhh, if only that was the case.  If I could either make money or lose weight by running late, then I’d be an exceptionally rich and skinny woman.

I wasn’t always this way. I was brought up to be punctual.  To not only be on time, but be early to any event, appointment, or activity.  To plan ahead and pad my time to NOT be late.  Somewhere along the way, as I’ve gotten older, that skill has slipped away.  Certainly not on purpose.

I don’t want to consistently be late.  I value other peoples’ time, and whenever I’m going to be more than 5 minutes late for any appointment, I call to let them know, and of course apologize profusely.  I, just like anyone, hate to be kept waiting for more than a few minutes, so the fact that I’m usually delaying others creates a horrible conflict in my psyche.

I’ve determined that many of us Real Women run late not because we don’t know how to tell time, and not because we don’t care to be punctual, and not even because we don’t know how to plan. It is simply because we are trying in vain to master the art of packing far too much stuff into any 24-hour period.  It doesn’t matter whether we are at home, at work, or even on vacation.  We are always attempting to fit the proverbial 10 pounds of anything into a 5-pound bag. Or, more accurately phrased in this case, trying to fit 10 hours into 5 minutes.

At work, I’ll try to knock out one more project, or answer one more email, before the next meeting, or before leaving for the day…then it grows into more, and soon I’m rushing out the door.   At home on the weekends, I always have illusions of grandeur of fitting in far too many chores and activities into two days. It works on paper, or in my head in the mornings, but reality never quite matches my imaginary schedule.  Unfortunately for my son, he is now realizing that mom and dad will generally run a few minutes late picking him up from any activity.  Which, depending on the circumstances is apparently immensely embarrassing when you are 13.

We who run late start to play really silly games with ourselves.  Come on, fess up…. How many of you during the day are crazy enough to find yourself thinking “ok, I can do this one more quick thing before I go to the bathroom.”  Then you hope no one is in your way as you speed-walk to the ladies’ room.  The other game I’ll catch myself playing is the drive-time equation.  Knowing I have four minutes to get somewhere before I’m officially late, while driving I’ll try to guess how quickly I can make it there without speeding (too much), and if traffic flows smoothly, if I don’t hit any red lights, if, if, if….  And the best of all is the “how late will I be?” game.  Only 5 minutes?  Awesome, that’s pretty much on time.  10 minutes?  Oh, that’s not so good, I better call.  15 minutes?  Oh, geez, now I’m really missing out or being rude.  20 minutes or more?  I better reschedule…so I can try again to be not-so-late next time.

As the day draws to a close, I review my to do list that I had intended on finishing. Invariably I still have half a dozen items which I now must whittle down to the 1 or 2 things I can still fit in.  I re-prioritize once more, and move a few items to the next day. I realize this means that I’m already setting myself up for a 10-pound day again tomorrow.  And yes, thus begins another silly game where I start to believe that maybe if I get up a bit earlier in the morning, or multi-task a few of the items, then I can create some extra space in my day or cut back on time…. whoa boy, here I go again….

Time to stop micro-managing my tomorrow before it even gets here. Instead, I better go knock out my last couple of to-do’s… so I’m not late for bed.

Posted in Chores | 2 Comments

Secret Potions

Posted on October 8, 2013 by Real Women

magic potionsAs a little girl, I read plenty of fairy tales and watched lots of Disney movies.  Often these stories included a mysterious female character, a fairy godmother or witch, who would brew and create secret potions and lotions.  She would work in her kitchen or lab mixing ingredients from colorful jars and bottles.  These brews would cause any number of wonderful things to happen to the other characters – like unparalleled beauty, eternal youth, and deep love.

At the time, I was enthralled by the mysticism, enchantment and mystery surrounding these women, and believed them to be born from the creative imagination of the writers.  However as I’ve become an adult, I’ve realized instead that the foundation of these images is rather deeply rooted in the reality of a Real Woman’s bedroom bureau or bathroom vanity – or even a modern day pharmacy.

We can simply stroll down the aisle of a local CVS or Walgreens and scan the rows and rows of unique bottles, jars and tubes of lotions and potions, all promising the stuff from which dreams are made.  For the most part, rather than ingesting these potions as our storybook witches wanted the hero of the story to do, we smear, rub, and bathe in them.  And we hope, even believe, that they will give us the very same attributes as our childhood princesses:  beauty, youth, energy, and desirability.

This morning I was wondering which I’ve become… the hapless heroine of the story, weakly accepting the magical mixtures, or the wicked witch combining concoctions in my home laboratory.  Either way, I have developed a fairly complex routine around the application of various creams and lotions.  Even as a girl, I had dry skin, so virtually bathing in moisturizer daily is nothing new…but the older I get, the more I seem to have added on to my regimen… even using products that may or may not truly have any beneficial effect.  I think some of these nifty containers hold a placebo of sorts, just making me believe that I look better.

One of my BFF’s at one point gave me, as a gag gift, a tube of “under eye dark circle and puffiness solution”.  I smear that little gem under my eyes on a fairly regular basis – hey, it can’t hurt, right?  Next comes the anti-cellulite cream for that scary area from my butt to the back of my thighs.  Does it work?  I at least pretend it does. Not to feel left out, product is then applied to my hair – again, full of promises of long lasting conditioning and volume boost.

vanity lotionsBut wait, there’s more. Before getting dressed, moisturizer is generously applied… selected by scent of the day and area of concentration. Body lotion, facial and neck creams, and foot treatment.  Let’s not forget the sunscreen…. or the eczema cream if needed… or the tanning lotion…or the hand repair…  THEN we move on to the face and start the base coats before make-up is applied.  Concealers, wrinkle reducers, pigment levelers – the opportunities are endless.

What I’ve noticed lately is not only do we want our secret potions to perform magic, but we want that magic to happen immediately.  Waiting 6 weeks to look 10 years younger is no longer good enough.  I caught an ad on tv recently that asked “Are you growing old waiting for your wrinkle cream to work?”  The ad then promised “Rapid Wrinkle Repair.”  So not only are we asking the impossible – the reversal of the signs of age –but we are asking it to happen virtually overnight.

When we were little, we wanted to believe if we sipped the Fairy Godmother’s tea, moments later in a swirl of smoke and rainbows, we’d emerge a gorgeous princess.

Not so much has changed after all, has it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Words from Beyond

Posted on September 30, 2013 by Real Women

any ageI will be entering a new age decade in approximately 18 months.  Clearly I am not happy about that fact, since I have already begun the dreaded count down.  My anxiety is increased when I see blatant signs of my impending doom.  This weekend, while waiting in line at the grocery store check out, I saw this magazine cover and discovered that, at least according to the perky folks at People Magazine, I will not only be in a new decade, but I will apparently be in the “Beyond” category.  Really?  Once we’ve moved through the 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, we lose our youthful identity and are just considered…. Beyond?  Beyond what?  Our prime?  And apparently we mature ladies are grouped together so ages raging from 50 to 100 are now….(cue superhero music) …The Beyonders.

Perhaps I’m just being too sensitive, but the headline even feels like some kind of backhanded compliment.  We women can be attractive even when we are beyond. Gee, thanks. Of course like all women’s magazines on the market, the photo is of flawless celebrities.  So if we can just pull off looking like them, then we’ll be gorgeous.  That’s all it takes. Piece of cake.

We Beyonders have daily reminders of our stage in life, so we really don’t need a magazine cover to point out our supposed-past-prime-status.  Perhaps it is our duty, as the new group of superheroes, to give those 20-30-40’s a glimpse into their future.

So here, dear Primers, we present a few tidbits you can look forward to, that those glossy magazines won’t tell you.

8 hours of Uninterrupted Sleep: the Myth, the Legend.  Enjoy a full night’s sleep now.  Once you become a Beyonder, it will never happen again.  Your bladder will become the size of a pea and will not last longer than 5 hours at night without needing emptying again. You will also have a brain that will not remain at rest, and hot flashes that will wake you by soaking you in sweat.

Come on, really, can anyone read this without squinting?

Come on, really, can anyone read this without squinting?

Fine Print, the Enemy.   You will no longer have a prayer of reading anything less than size 9 font.  In particular, I believe the text on medicine bottles is printed by some young person with a sick sense of humor. There’s nothing worse than trying to focus on the tiny print to determine dosage while experiencing a blinding headache.

 

Weight Loss – Scaling Mount Everest Would Be Easier.   I fondly remember the days when if I needed to lose a few pounds, I simply cut back on my food intake a bit, kicked my exercise level up a notch and ta-da, I slimmed down.  As a Beyonder, weight loss is no longer an easily achievable task.  Extra pounds settle in to the midsection like an unwanted guest that won’t leave.  Drastic measures have to be taken to reduce poundage, like cutting out all carbs and grains.  I admire those who are willing to take that step.  As for me, after a lifetime love affair with bread and pasta, I just can’t turn away now.

The Perky Tatas Makeover.  Sure, you expect gravity to kick in and pull your perky girls south.  But no one also warns you that they stop looking like identical twins, and more like angry sisters.  They can independently change shape, size and direction at virtually any moment, and the joy of finding a pretty bra turns into the quest for armored support.

We Still Turn Heads.  Yes, we beautiful women “at any age” can turn men’s heads. However, now instead of a “whoa, she’s hot” reaction, they are doing double takes because they are thinking “is that my friend’s mom?”

Primers, don’t be afraid of the future…because fear will do you no good. Trust me, I’ve found that out.  Change is inevitable.  However, just remember that like all good superheroes, The Beyonders have super secrets.  And in those secrets lie the fact that there are some pretty amazing and wonderful things to look forward to as well.  You’ll just have to trust us on this, because we aren’t going to give away those secrets yet.  Besides, why spoil the surprise?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Screen Season

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Real Women

watching-tvThe leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping, school is in session…. And the glow of the tv screen beckons.

During the summer months, I watch virtually no television programming. Other than a snippet of the morning News, I don’t feel the need to grab the clicker.  It is warm outside, daylight until 9pm, and I have a lot of other things to do. Besides, no offense to the men in my household, but I can watch only so many repeat episodes of American Pickers, Pawn Stars and Storage Wars.

Then the Fall television line up begins to call to me, luring me in like an old friend eager to reconnect.  Unfortunately, I missed the big kick-off event, the Emmy’s.  What can I say, I was still in summer mode, and completely forgot the award show was on.  By missing it, I feel like I’ve missed the ribbon cutting ceremony for Couch Potato Season.  Luckily I’ve seen some of the highlights replayed on entertainment programs and online.  I even caught some of Joan Rivers’ recap of the red carpet.

After that launch, we have jumped full steam ahead this week into the Screen Season.  For the first couple of weeks, I will become a glutton for escapism as I tune in to watch new fare and returning shows, gleefully mapping out my viewing plan like a mad scientist doing equations on a chalkboard.  “Let’s see, I want to catch that new show at 9:00 on CBS, which gives me time to switch over to NBC at 9:30 to watch that one, oh, and I have to remember to tune in the next night for….”  And so it goes.

I do this planning because we are apparently one of the only American families without a DVR.  Gone are the days of confusing multi-step programming of a VCR and then just hoping the system clicks on and tapes your show. Now there is equipment (not yet in our household) that with a few pushes of buttons will not only record, but track our favorite shows and get to know our preferences.  In my family we routinely talk about getting one, but then decide against it because there are multiple ways to find shows missed – between re-airing episodes, On Demand options, network websites, and a variety of entertainment Apps, it is pretty easy to catch up.  Of course, having an inventory of shows stored up is a double-edged sword; you have to find the time to watch what you didn’t have time to see in the first place.  One of my girlfriends calls this DVR Anxiety.

The beginning of the Fall TV season is like secretly taking advantage of a guilty pleasure in the privacy of my own home.  Rather than swimming through vats of ice cream, I’m diving into a giant sundae of distraction, and revel in the pleasure of  enjoying this other world.  I laugh and I cry and I get scared and I get fascinated – all over things outside of my own life.

Of course I realize my time could, and most likely should, be used in a more constructive manner, doing something for the good of my family or my community.  But I can’t help myself —  my Monday night was far better this week because I spent it with Adam, Blake, Christina and Cee Lo.

And as Real Women, how can we not feel a surge of excitement and anticipation over the return of Michael J. Fox; to find out if Beckett accepts Castle’s proposal or how Sheldon and Penny will respond to Leonard’s return; and to meet Crosby and Jasmine’s new baby?

The whole experience is enhanced by the post-episode dishing with friends and co-workers.  Kind of like a less intellectual book club, we examine what we saw, how we felt and relive the highlights – the good, the bad and the ugly.  Truly a fun pastime.

Eventually my TV splurging will subside a bit, and I will whittle down my viewing to the small handfuls of my own “must see” tv — and life will return to a normal routine.  Yes, I admit, there will be one or two shows that I actually arrange my evening activities around so I can watch the majority of episodes.  Luckily I’m good at multi-tasking so I can get other things done around the house while I watch.  And, as is true every year, there will be some programs I enjoy that will only last a season or two before being taken off the air.  Some of my favorites will go the way of Smash, Enlightened, Harry’s Law and Hung and I’ll go through a short period of mourning until something else entertaining comes along.  Which of course leads me to believe that I’m not the average watcher.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m not enthralled with forensics, vampires or the undead.

Ah, yes, Fall escapism in its purest form has arrived.   And like a momma bear going through hibernation, I will emerge in a few weeks and re-focus on reality.  In the meantime, please excuse me while I go bond with my pretend friends in a box.

 

 

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